Weird Shit My Kids Do : Cont’d

Last week my husband took me out to a few jewelry stores to look for a ring jacket for our anniversary (which I’m super freakin excited about).

Anyway, at the last store, my daughter was getting tired and the jeweler there offered her a Hershey kiss. But, since my daughter has that wonderful food allergy, I had to take it away from her. Obviously this made her pretty sad.. And instead of come and ask me for comfort (probably because I was the a-hole that took her candy), she went to the jeweler. (I wish I remembered her name but I don’t so we’ll call her Jill).

If any of you know my daughter, she is painfully shy and takes a long time to warm up to anyone.

Well, she asked Jill to pick her up and of course I said it was okay, and let me tell you, my child was absolutely ridiculous. I tried to take her back and she started screaming and crying and holding on to Jill for dear life. It seriously sounded like I was trying to throw my kid out a window. I ended up having to pry her off of the poor lady and drag her out of the store!

So here is this two-year-old screaming and kicking and throwing herself on the floor.. I swore I’d never be that parent. hahaaa jokes on meee. Hey. Shit happens.

Alanna having a emotional breakdown on a random stranger lol

How Postpartum Depression Actually Feels : The Ugly Truth

I know I usually write funny posts but today I would like to discuss postpartum depression. I know what your thinking, “blah blah blah, sad and unmotivated, and don’t want to have fun” right? Wrong. Postpartum Depression is so much different than just depression. So the fact that it’s called that, kinda makes it harder to identify. It doesn’t matter if your pregnancy was planned or not. In fact, the doctor I went to told me it’s more common in women who planned their pregnancies than women who did not. I experienced it with my second child, but not my first. I’m going to list how I felt and how I identified it. I am not a doctor and there are other symptoms I wont be listing (because I didn’t experience them), and some of these might not apply. Everyone is different.

When you first have a baby, you are so in love, happy, and excited. It’s everything you thought it would be and more. As time goes on you grow more and more in love and you bond with your baby and want to be with them all the time. That’s how it was with my first baby, for sure! But picture this –  It doesn’t happen.

In fact, you love him less every day. At first you think oh man I have the baby blues. But as time goes on you don’t enjoy feeding him anymore, you don’t want to hold him, and you don’t even really want to see him. You’re not sad or depressed, and you still want to get out of the house. You still really enjoy OTHER babies.. why can’t you enjoy yours? The fact that you feel like this puts horrible guilt on you. Seriously who wants to tell someone, “Oh hey, yeah I don’t love my baby,” Just thinking about voicing it makes you feel like a terrible mother.. and what will OTHER people think??

Here is a list of symptoms I had. Just because you don’t have all or any of these doesn’t mean you are not experiencing PPD.

• You don’t like or love your baby. You want to. You don’t want to put him up for adoption or anything, but the warm fuzzies aren’t there.
• You are not bonding with your baby. You feel detached and distant from him.
• You CAN care for him, but you feel bitterness and resentment about it. Every time he needs a bottle or a diaper you find yourself rolling your eyes.
• You could feel totally yourself, happy-go-lucky, and cheerful when you’re away from your baby. But as soon as you walk through the door, the feelings return.
• You don’t really want to show pictures to people. Maybe it’s because you’re just not interested, or maybe you don’t think your baby is that cute. (Trust me. He’s cute. I promise, it’s just you.)
• You get snappy and this can take a toll on your marriage/relationship. I remember arguing with my husband about stupid petty shit, even though he was doing 98% of the work. For nearly 3-4 months I had done as little with him as possible.
• You know that feeling you get when you’re on pain meds for an extended period of time for whatever reason (mine was because of a C-section, not recreational lol) and then you stop taking them? Those withdraw symptoms? Some days.. It feels like that.
• Feelings of guilt. Mostly about the lack of feelings you have for your baby.
• You feel like there is no way out. Like this will never end. Like there is NOTHING to look forward to. And when people keep saying “This too shall pass” you just wana fucking SLAP them.

These symptoms can start a few days after childbirth, or even months after. And like in my case, because I had a c-section, the pain meds can mask the symptoms. So you wont even know until you stop taking them. Don’t try to tough it out. It can really effect your relationship with your children later on. And the depression can last for over a year.

Even now, 10 months after i had my son, it’s still hard for me to talk about. It shouldn’t be this hard. It is NOT my fault. And it’s not YOUR fault either. If you feel like this you should talk to your doctor. Even if you don’t want to schedule an appointment, talking to him/her could help. Just the validation that there truly is a reason for these feelings helps. You can try to talk to your friends and family, but I was dismissed by everyone. If they tell you you are fine but you feel like you need help, don’t hesitate. I called my doctor and she had me in the office within 2 hours. This shits real. And I promise, doctors don’t judge.

And in case you are wondering, within a few weeks after I was prescribed a medication, I was back to myself. I fell in love with my son like I should have and he is just the coolest little shit.

Narcolepsy At Its Finest (with photos)

I don’t think there is a soul on this earth that isn’t aware of the fact that small kids have Narcolepsy. But it’s funny because (most of them) will out grow it. I mean, I’ve been playing hide and seek with a kid and then found them in there hiding place.. asleep.. and NO I did not take THAT long to find them. For reals. I wish I took pictures of all the weird places and positions my kids fell asleep. I don’t even have ALMOST all the pictures. BUT.. I do have a few.

This is my son Michael. He is 9 months old, and he is a total pro at this.

Yeah. He’s asleep.

He is sitting up.. and he was snoring too haha!

Big fat baby belly 🙂

And believe it or not, I DO have pictures of him awake..

See? (I was saying “Bookah bookah bookah!!”) at him in this picture.. So that’s his freaked out face lol

My daughter.. she ain’t no amateur at this shit either. When she’s tired, she means business.

Too much playground I guess!

After her second birthday party. I guess even the mass amounts of sugar she ate was no match for Child Narcolepsy..

In case you can’t tell.. she is sleeping on her legs. folded in half.

I turned around, turned the TV on and turned back around, and then this.

There you have it! the proof is in the puddin’ !! (I think this is the correct scenario to use that saying) and boy do I wish I could sleep like that! (Maybe that’s why it’s called “sleeping like a baby”?) Hm. Food for thought.

The REAL Mommy Diet

Every mother wants to lose her baby weight right away, and hopes to walk out of the hospital in pre-baby clothing. And chances are its not going to happen (except for those skinny little bitches who leave the hospital even skinnier than when they got pregnant). The media portrays that you will be a size 2 after 4 weeks and that you will be happily munching on your satisfying lettuce while breastfeeding your beautiful new baby. You think you will be doing baby yoga and mommy and me classes, and balancing on your exercise ball.

Let me give you a tall glass of reality here. You are going to be TEARING through your refrigerator (especially if you’re breastfeeding) just trying to eat enough food to feel like you’re not starving to death. And believe me when I tell you there isn’t enough food in your entire house to satisfy that nagging hunger deep within your soul. You wont even give a rats ass that the jar of salsa in the back has mold growing in it, or that the frosting in that drawer expired 7 months ago. Calories are the last thing on your mind.

Eventually when you have gained another 35 lbs in a few months (yes this happened to me) you will come to the conclusion you NEED to diet. Or at least stop eating an entire cheesecake for lunch. You vow you wont eat any more sugar, or fat, or carbs, or what the hell ever you decide you don’t need anymore. And you will be doing really well for a few days! Then, like a moth to a flame, (a very ashamed moth, mind you) you will find yourself, pure animalistic rage in your eye, ripping apart an entire loaf of Italian bread with your teeth.. You’ll be hiding under the dining room table, in the dead of night, when your husband shines a flashlight on you and you squint like you haven’t seen daylight in months.. And honestly he probably wouldn’t even be surprised if you hissed at him.

Once the rage is passed, you crawl into a corner and wish you had the balls to throw up the loaf of bread, the half of a cake, all the hot chocolate mix (you didn’t even bother to mix it with a liquid) 4 liters of soda, 5 packs of twinkies, all the lunch meat, and that pack of gummies you just ate. But you don’t. So you crawl back into bed and swear off food all together.

You wake up the next day, and you have coffee for breakfast. Carrots for lunch. And half a sandwich for dinner. You keep this up for a week or so! YAY!! YOU LOST FIVE POUNDS!! Lets celebrate!! …wiiiiiiith donuts and muffins.. Fail.

I’m not even fuckin kidding you I literally just had a mini donut and slathered chocolate sundae topping on it. I ate that shit like it was going out of style. And the only reason I’m not feeling COMPLETELY guilty and upset is because I now have something to write about. But give it an hour or two. It’ll sink in.

I am guilty of this like no joke. I’ve literally been stuck in this cycle for MONTHS.. This is real life. This is how shit works.

But I have lost 45 lbs so far so fuck it.

**I have to add I also work out, like, all the damn time.. so I actually had to work for it too lol**

Weird Shit My Kids Do

Kids are probably the weirdest little creatures in existence. I could be mistaken. Its unlikely.. but I’ve been wrong a time or once. Sometimes I cant help but think, What the f* is this child doing? And how sure am I that I brought the right kid home with me from the hospital? Buuuut then I turn around and see my beloved husband doing something just as odd and remember, Oh yeah.. that’s where that came from. Whatever. As I was saying..

I am sure all of you know kids put non food items in their mouth all the time. Well. I don’t know how to describe this thing. But its like.. a metal framed fall decoration, like a centerpiece, with little Styrofoam balls on it as, oh I don’t know.. berries i guess? Whatever. Not important. Well. She eats them. She pulls them off and chews them up and honestly.. I think I have gotten to her before she swallows them each time, but I couldn’t tell you for sure. I haven’t seen them in her poop, so that’s a plus. I mean. This used to be a cute decoration. But now it just looks like how I used to feel after a night of drinking. And let me tell you.. NOT pretty.

Another thing. Not sure if this is just a special quirk mines got or if its a kid thing.. but my daughter tried to change my sons diaper. I go to the bathroom one time right? Not even one f*ing minute.. She took his (poopy) diaper off of him, wiped him, and put the dirty wipes in the dirty diaper. And on the coffee table. And the couch. Counter. Her head. Not toooooo bad you say, right? WRONG. SO F*ING WRONG. The little devil used his shit as lotion. LOTION. All the hell over. Legs, face, arms, belly, HIS arms and legs.. I mean, I just stood there and had to take it all in for a minute. Like.. am i really seeing this? Or did I walk into the wrong room and these are not my kids? Weeeeellllll turns out yep they were my kids. And I had to bathe both of them, along with nearly the entire house. It isn’t even safe to pee alone anymore. It’s literally more stressful to pee alone than to have a kid on your lap while you do it. Jesus Christ Cheese and Rice.

Acting like a dog. This one is cute. Sort of.. in a weird, unsure kinda way. She runs around and cries at the door and whines. Relatively normal. She licks her fathers pant legs.. and the floor. The dogs. Legit everything. She dumps her drink on the ground and licks it up. I have tried spill free cups.. She will suck it out, spit it on the floor and then lick it up. I DID NOT TEACH HER THIS. I swear.. She will eat her food off her highchair tray with her face, and honestly this goes along with the getting your kid to eat and picking you battles thing moms are always talking about. Just look away and be glad she is eating I guess.

If she falls, she will never tell me where it hurts right away. She ALWAYS says he boo boo is on her foot first and makes me kiss it. Sometimes it’s a good three or four tries before she tells me where it really is.

She forces me to color for her. This shit is ridiculous. She’ll take her coloring book and keep putting it in my face, along with her crayon and yell at me until I color in the stupid book. It doesn’t even have to be long! Maybe half a second and then she’s happy and will do it herself.

This last one here concerns me a bit. I still laugh cuz it’s funny but Jesus.. She runs with her eyes closed! WHAT IS THAT?! I swear to God I have told her to open her eyes when she runs more times than I think I should need to! (Which should be what? One time? Tops?) She does it when she dances too. Such conviction and emotion pulsing through her little body, sure I might be able to get the dancing with her eyes closed thing.. but sprinting, girl please, that shit ain’t right.

There are about a thousand weird things my kids do every damn day. It keeps life interesting. as gray as my hair (probably) is (I dye it way to often to even know) and as much hair as I pull out (I can stand to lose some I have so friggin much of it) I love it. And I love them. (Even though they are a major pain in my ass)

Parenting Moment #1

About a year ago, in the middle of winter, my husband, myself and our kids were on our way home. Probably an hour or away, my 1 1/2 year old daughter pooped like you would not believe. I mean this shit was visible through multiple layers and smelled really awful, (but when does it smell good, right?) Whatever. I take her into this public restroom, which, of course, has no changing table (why the hell would there be one anyway?) So I lay my coat down on the floor so she doesn’t have to lay on the cold, germ ridden, nastiness of a gas station floor. I find that her, ahem, feces, has oozed out into her stockings and onesie, which I ended up throwing away, you know, just to permanently stink up the bathroom. Her shirt and overalls, (which were adorable, mind you) although salvageable.. yeah.. not wearable. And who left all her clothes in the car? Yep. This mommy. Right here. So I strip her down and its EVERYWHERE.. I mean armpits to ankles. And boy let me tell you.. Poop.. spreads like poop. I have no choice.. I have to bathe her. Right there. In the sink. Of Cumberland Farms. So I plop my naked kid in it and rinse her off. I proceed to dry her with my sweater and dress her in my shirt. Yes. The only shirt I was wearing. I had to finish the ride home in a light, damp sweater and my kid had on a super cute “dress”.

Moral of the story.. Never expect anything “normal” when you have children. And don’t ever expect to make it back home in the same clothes you left in. Any of you.

I know I can’t be alone with this one! Feel free to share yours with me, too! Thanks 🙂

5 Things Only Mothers Will Understand

1. Not sleeping for 2 years

It could be longer. I don’t even know yet. I wouldn’t be that surprised if it’s never again to be honest. I mean at first it’s okay. For like 2 weeks your all like, “OMG why is everyone talking about being tired? I’m TOTES fine! Cuz I’m a badass who doesn’t need sleep,” Little did you know, 5 weeks from that moment, when you still haven’t slept for more than two consecutive hours.. you would be crying, yelling at your husband that he is the devil. Or that you would be “going to the bathroom” to catch a little shut eye on the toilet. Which is awesome because usually your quick naps happen unintentionally and while your standing up.

2. They need to eat. Every. Day.

It’s like, every morning you have to think of something for them to eat, AND it’s supposed to be HEALTHY (yeah right). To begin with you’re all gung-ho nutrition freak.. Until your kids get their grubby little fingers on cookies (thanks Nana). Then good luck getting that cute little nightmare to eat their veggies. And this struggle happens every day. MORE THAN ONCE.

3. Saggy boobs

You think you’re going to be okay. You think you’ll get away scott free. Well guess what? You wont. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Mine used to be the epitome of perky. Bra? Who needs those?? Oh wait. Me. I need them. Because my kids are boob-perk stealing little shits.

4. Not showering alone

The first few times its really cute (awww she want to shower like Mommy!) No. No she doesn’t. She wants to hold her little bathtub toy bucket against your leg to try and drink dirty-mommy water. She wants to crawl between your legs, REPEATEDLY, the entire time. She wants your shampoo bubbles. To eat them. Damn kid wont eat her f*ing strawberries but she’ll eat soap. Awesome.

5. They scream

Not in the beginning. But soon enough they will hit ear piercing levels you didn’t even know existed. And you rock, you sing, you snuggle, you feed, change, Tylenol, and cry back.. But they Just. Wont. Stop. You just need to put baby in his crib.. and go outside for some fresh air and a couple shots of whiskey. No I’m just kidding. You’ll need more than just a couple shots. Ha. Kidding again. Eventually you will learn what makes them stop. Tearing apart diaper bags. Dunking toilet paper rolls into the bathtub. Washing their hair in the toilet. Whatever. As long as their quiet. No, but not the toilet. That’s just gross.

Those of you non-parents.. enjoy this NOT happening to you. Shit f*ing sucks. But you get used to it, and learn to love it. Okay. Parts of it.