Question..

Am I the only one that sometimes talks with an accent when I cook?

A Case Of The Holiday Shits

Thanksgiving started out really smoothly, like I was surprised and even thought to myself, Holy shit.. this year might be incident free!! Fat chance.

First off, I ate so much while I was cooking.. That I was pretty much full by the time we all sat down for dinner. Second.. We forgot like 5 things and had to send my husband to go get them at the ass crack of dawn. We needed the items before we could put the turkey in, and it had to be in by 9am. Well, what do you know! 1030 rolls around and we a finally getting the bird in the oven. Not too too bad.

My daughter, having a very severe milk allergy, has to have her own special turkey (cornish hen), stuffing, potatoes, and squash. So while i have her little hen in the oven, I grab the rack it’s on and slide it out to baste the thing. What happens? What the HELL happens!? THE ENTIRE RACK FALLS. RIGHT on top of the rolls that were baking underneath it. The juice went everywhere and spilled all over the bottom of the oven, the whole house was FILLED with smoke.. Fortunately the poor little hen was rescued in time and all was well in the land of food and thankfulness.

At the dinner table, I’m assuming you could guess there was inappropriate talk. When is there not, right? These things should be saved for the bathroom and the bedroom. For reals. Or at least wait until I’m finished eating. I would post the comments that were floating around but I am just not in the mood to embarrass myself. Again. Haha.

While we were all at the table (after the lovely comments not meant for dinner time) I was randomly hit by the “I-dont-feel-so-good”s. Everyone else seemed to think it was a serious case of food coma, but I swear i thought i was on deaths door. I ended up going to bed at 530. 530!!!! And got up at 930 the next day. And ONLY because my kids were waking up and crying.

I have Strep. That’s right. STREP. Who the F gets strep on Thanksgiving?! I have been suffering, trying to eat strawberry rhubarb pie and cranberry sauce.. all the wonderful fall foods. IT BURNS. And my antibiotics gave me the shits. I’m so friggin pist right now. Oh well. At least maybe ill lose a pound or two!

So I suppose all in all it was relatively uneventful if you consider past years. I hope you guys all had a fantastic Thanksgiving!

Did you guys have any wonderful and weird happenings? Crazy events? I’d LOVE to hear about them!!!

Thanksgiving Day Post (And Other Things To Bitch About)

Everyone always writes about what they’re thankful for in November. Like.. “Blah blah blah, day 23” No offense to any of you who do that but.. Ooooh My Godddd.. Shut aaaahhp!

Well. Let me just take a moment to say.. I’m thankful. I am thankful for many a thing (person, place, time, event.. whatever). Not what I’m going for today. Lets take a look at what’s REALLY happening on Thanksgiving…

1. We’re going to decapitate a bird.. and shove stuffing up its ass. Yeah. And then we’re actually going to eat it.. What the FUCK.

2. All of our family, who we don’t even like.. is going to be there, and we still have to be nice. Even when Aunt Beatrice looks you up and down and says, “Ohhh Honeeeyyy! I just LOVE that you still have all your chub!!” and then pinches your cheeks.

3. Literally everyone is yelling over each other, kids are screaming and, chances are, they’re yours. You constantly feel like you have to justify your life choices when your mom is fake approving of them. Or just oped disapproval. You know.

Oh and then there’s always that one little kid who keeps whining and saying, “Nooooo.. I don’t liiiiiike it!”  Shove it down that little assholes throat. Shut the hell up you little shit. JE-sus.

4. Black Friday. Ahhhh, Black Friday. Honestly, I love Black Friday. You know.. When you go out in the dead of night, for 13 hours, fighting a food coma, just to get that 60″ flat screen? Well. Guess what? I LOVE my 60″ flat screen. And 3 years later.. It STILL costs more than what i paid for it. BAM.

5. The mass amounts of dishes that pile up after the meal..  What in Gods name.. Seriously I didn’t even know I had that many.. And you know how many people leave their dishes behind? ALL OF THEM. Do you know what this means?? YOU have to see them AGAIN. Damn it.

6. There is always that one freakin family member that gets too drunk for life and yells everything they are saying. Then they ask the same questions over and over.. but interrupt when you try and answer. But you love them anyway. Because they are your family. And they share their alcohol.

7. That person who thinks they’re the bees mother fuckin knees cuz they carve the turkey every year. Relax, guy. You’re cutting chunks of flesh off of a carcass.. not carving a masterpiece out of a log with a chainsaw.. (Those things are fantastic tho, really. How DO they do it?)

8. AND of course. You and your BFF, (who comes to your Thanksgiving because she’s a part of your family and you love her) TOTES wishes that you bought those maternity pants you saw at WalMart the other day. How else are you supposed to stay dressed with all that food to eat?? Yoga pants only go so far, you know.

Now. I could be all on my own here.. But I think for the most part.. I’m just preachin’ to the choir.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving everyone! Hopefully your family is just as dysfunctional as mine! 🙂